What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
Joke of the day
What can you say to make a rape victim feel better?
"It will be over soon."
You know what the worst thing about gang rape is?
Having to wait your turn.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
Why do white people get abducted by aliens?
Because they're easier to see in the dark.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Why did the terrorist cross the road?
To get to the airport!
what do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a hot tub?
steamed vegetables.
Two gay kids made their version of the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pair of lattes.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't touch the beds, they are sticky with white goo.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
Now why was 10 afraid? Because it was in the middle of 9-11.
Oh, you need a lesbian joke?
Uhh... gimme a second....
Me???
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"
Brother: "They're still in my bed."
I got kicked off Ancestry for asking if anyone wants to fuh.
What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?
The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.
What is a pedophile's favorite dating site?
Kinder
Why do leftists call their child Ariel?
So they can decide whether it wants to be a man, woman, mermaid, or washing powder.
Why does a Mexican want to learn math?
To study perimeter.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Why doesn’t Jesus trust humanity anymore?
Because he doesn’t wanna get double-crossed.
If a deaf person is missing fingers, is it a speech impediment or an accent?
Why did the priest invent baptism?
To wash their sex toys.
What's a pedophile's favorite fast food meal?
In-N-Out of kids.
Orphans might as well join the military or a gang because they have no family.
I don’t think 9/11 jokes are funny... they just crash and burn.
Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?
Pride always cometh before the fall.
Why don't black lives matter anymore?
Because a harvester is more efficient at picking crops than slaves.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking hot body?
Cremation.
What do you call someone in a wheelchair being pushed by a cannibal?
A to-go order.
Why was the orphan so good at baseball?
Because his coach said, "Go long or go home."
What do you call an annoying emo kid?
A nuisance.
An orphan told me people kept bullying him, so I said, "Tell your parents."
Bully: "I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the shower you can't even see it."
Guy: "No, I see your sister's head."
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
Why did the hooker quit her job?
She had a nut allergy.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."
What had more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him.
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?
Girl: I've been an orphan since I was three.
Boy: Knock knock.
Girl: ...Who's there?
Boy: Not your parents!
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
Yo mama so fat, when I went to the beach, the sun went down.
What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?
Special head.
What happens if an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
Do you think midgets start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?
She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.
What do birds and planes have in common?
They both fly into building windows.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
Satan: "Why are you in hell?"
Me: "I threw itching powder on somebody with no arms."
Him: Hey girl, do you have pet insurance?
Her: Yes, why do you ask?
Him: Cuz I'm going to bang that pussy up!
Why can orphans stay out until whatever time?
Because their parents won't tell them when to come home.
What’s a gay man’s favorite cereal?
Froot Loops
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Why did they invent white chocolate?
So Black people can be messy too.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
Why are the Twin Towers afraid of hot tubs?
Because of the jets.
Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.
What do teenage girls and happy meals have in common?
They both come with a toy.
What do peanut butter and a prostitute's legs have in common?
They’re both easy to spread.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
I tried phone sex once. But the holes were too small.
What is fraud supposed to taste like?
Bananas and Rice.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.
What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?
Land ho!
What does Bugs Bunny say when he has a boner?
"What's up, cock?"
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
A Chinese man and an Indian man are in a car. Who’s driving?
The driving instructor.
What's it called if you give a kid in a wheelchair a ball? Rocket League.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in the military?
Special Forces.
What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?
Accountability.
Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has faster reflexes than the Twin Towers.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
How are rape and an airplane similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The dwarf who couldn’t reach the doorbell.
What's a retard's favorite rock band? Syndrome of a Down.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?
I’m gay.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
A Muslim enters a building...
Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.
Mexican Comedy Week
Margarita Monday Taco Tuesday Wetback Wednesday Tequila Thursday Fiesta Friday Shake It Saturday Sneaky Sunday