I tried phone sex once. But the holes were too small.
Joke of the day
What is fraud supposed to taste like?
Bananas and Rice.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.
What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?
Land ho!
What does Bugs Bunny say when he has a boner?
"What's up, cock?"
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
A Chinese man and an Indian man are in a car. Who’s driving?
The driving instructor.
What's it called if you give a kid in a wheelchair a ball? Rocket League.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in the military?
Special Forces.
What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?
Accountability.
Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has faster reflexes than the Twin Towers.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
How are rape and an airplane similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The dwarf who couldn’t reach the doorbell.
What's a retard's favorite rock band? Syndrome of a Down.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?
I’m gay.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
A Muslim enters a building...
Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.
Mexican Comedy Week
Margarita Monday Taco Tuesday Wetback Wednesday Tequila Thursday Fiesta Friday Shake It Saturday Sneaky Sunday
What song did Whitney Houston listen to while doing cocaine?
"Run It!" by Chris Brown.
What is a little zombie's favorite stuffed animal?
It's a deady bear.
Emo grass cuts itself, while transgender laundry hangs itself.
Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?
A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
What do you call a lesbian pirate?
Red Beard.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?
The look they give you while you’re nailing them.
What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute?
A: A sidewalk's crack doesn't leave an odor!
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A wishlist.
Your tits look heavy. Need help holding them up?
Free service for tit holding!
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun? Special Forces.
What is the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
911 jokes usually go over my head.
Then it hits me.
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
What did Scorpion say to the ugly person?
"STAY OVER THERE!"
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?
You don’t need parental consent.
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
Why is a bee's hair so smooth and sticky?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?
We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we'll have to go through it.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
"Bippity Boppity Boo, Donald Trump is gonna deport you!"
Who do the United States owe trillions of dollars to?
Jew-piter.
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
Is a disabled person who has no arms but has guns armed or not armed?
What’s the difference between the way you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we look through.
What is an orphan's favorite event? Homecoming.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
What’s the difference between air and a six year old?
Air has resistance.
Who are the fastest readers?
The pilots on 9/11. They went through six stories in 5 seconds.
What do you call a Muslim guy in a bathtub?
A bath bomb 💣
New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."
Student: "But!"
Teacher: "Is something missing?"
Student: "Your parents!"
Do you think we should ask the orphan's parents' permission?
Wait... nevermind.
Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?
A: A rapist.
Like it if you judge people's hairlines.
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
Why can't the USA and England play chess?
USA has no towers and England has no queen.
1 like = 1 more child in my blender.
Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who were struggling to have sex? They kept doing the 96 positions.
When you name yourself Twin Towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
"Twin Towers" is on fire🔥
"Terrorist" is on a streak of 2.
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.
I don't struggle with self-harm, I do it everyday.
Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.
He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
like this if you don't like school.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.