A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor “hows the baby?” “You had twins” the doctor replied. “Your brother named them” the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" “He called the girl Denise” “what about the boy” the woman asked the doctor said “denephew”

Random guy: hi how old are you? Me:15 The guy: you’re so young, age is just a number Me: do you know what else is a number? The guy: what? Me:911

Donald trump will return to Twitter

Who can relate?

I would tell a Paul walker joke but it would crash and burn

Captain America is a 106 yo virgin

Breaking news (2020): depressed pigeon misses shitting on people

You will never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

A guy in a white helmet telling kids to kill themselves

You’re more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark

Ricardo Medina, one of the former red Power Rangers, pleaded guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.

If finding Nemo was scientifically correct, marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake … It was a bittersweet victory

What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

If at first, you don’t succeed… then skydiving definitely isn’t for you

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient. He was a great vet.