Alcohol jokes
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.
So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.
The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"
Mom, I’m pregnant.
Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.
You’re like a fine wine. The more of you I drink in, the better I feel.
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!
What's the difference between Captain Morgan and Amy Winehouse?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
You're an alcoholic!
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.