Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildo the wife get angry and says ¨explain the dildo prick¨ the husband says ¨explain the children bitch

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector

A programmer and his wife.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

How to know if your wife is dead ; well the sex is still trash ;but the dishes really start to pile up

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

So I was f...ing my daughter the other day and my wife walked in… I don’t know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

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