After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
