My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!

A programmer and his wife.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

How to know if your wife is dead ; well the sex is still trash ;but the dishes really start to pile up

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing… wife couldn’t tell.

What do you do when your dish washer stops working

Hit your wife harder

So I was my daughter the other day and my wife walked in… I don’t know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her

How does Stephan hawking have sex? His wife plugs him into the laptop charger.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. “You swore that you’d be home by 11:45!” “No,” slurs the mathematician, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

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