Wife jokes

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.