How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back, which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween?
Free delivery.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
What's better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
I bought a belt made of clocks.
It was a waist of time.
I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”
I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."
I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.
I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.