Foot jokes
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."
"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
What is the plural of goose? Geese.
What is the plural of foot? Feet.
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ain't meese!
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
Las Vegas has a new 550-foot-tall Ferris wheel, hoping to gain tourists.
What’s already gaining “tourists”? Whores.
If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?
My foot itches.
I was tickling my son’s feet yesterday, and my wife said, "Wait until he’s born."
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
I went on holiday to the coast the other day, and I saw a shark.
I was alright, but I don't think my feet were.
A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."
"Then how about Karaoke?"
To which he replied, "I have two left throats."
What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
What do you say to a foot that got beaten at everything?
De-feeted (Defeated)
How do you put a baby in a blender feet first so you can see its facial expressions?
How do you get the baby out? With a tortilla chip!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because she was crummy.
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.
What has 1 head, 1 foot, and 4 legs? A bed.