Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it’s sea food.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
English is weird. – It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.