3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool? Neither did she.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six-offender

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Who are the fastest readers?

911 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.

I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn’t have a homepage.