What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.
What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms? - Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Yo mama is so fat, she goes to the beach to sell shade.
Yo mama is so unfamiliar with the gym, she calls it James.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon – from a landline.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.
… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
I love the smell of my F5 key. – It’s very refreshing.
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? – A pool table.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? – A stumblie-mumblie.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? – The wheelchair.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? – He doesn’t stand for anything.