What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.
What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
People who are afraid of pedophiles… need to grow up.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon – from a landline.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.
… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The three unwritten rules of life:
I love the smell of my F5 key. – It’s very refreshing.
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? – A pool table.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? – A stumblie-mumblie.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? – The wheelchair.