My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

1

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

0

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

0

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

0

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

1

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

0

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

2

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

0

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

0

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

0

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

1

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

0

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

0

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

0

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

0

Why do people make fun of crippled people? Because they can’t stand up for themselves

0

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

1

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

0

What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

0

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

0
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