A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.
What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.
People who are afraid of pedophiles… need to grow up.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
The three unwritten rules of life:
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …
so Trump can’t tweet it.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon – from a landline.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.
… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. – He was high on my list of priorities.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.