Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”

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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

0

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

0

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

2

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

0

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

0

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

0

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

1

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

0

English is weird. – It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

0

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

0

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

1

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

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How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

1

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

0

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

1

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

0

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

0

I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”

0

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

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