3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

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