A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

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What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

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What concert costs 45 cents? – 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

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I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

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Why didn’t the bear go to college? – Because bears don’t go to college.

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Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.

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People who are afraid of pedophiles… need to grow up.

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19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

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The three unwritten rules of life:

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What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.

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The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …

so Trump can’t tweet it.

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What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

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Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon – from a landline.

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Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.

… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

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“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. – He was high on my list of priorities.

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

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