Worst Jokes Ever
11:45 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle.
11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain.
11:45 - Realized watch was broken.
Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!
Dad: Uh, okay?
Child: My wife cheated on me.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I went to the bar.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: I met a hot girl.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: So I brought her home.
Dad: I'm a man.
Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...
Dad: I'm a man.
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
So he didn't have to pay the gas bills.
What is the difference between a black pilot and Charlie Kirk?
The black pilot is still alive.
How do you stop a gang of black men from raping a white girl?
Throw them a basketball.
(Teacher): "What's one sport you want to do, but you're not good at?"
(Me): "Suicide."
What do me, emos, and Monster cans have in common?
A barcode.
A man complains to a slave dealer: "The slave you sold me died!"
"By the gods," replies the dealer, "he never did that when I owned him!"
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
If I cut my wrist, am I a zebra or a tiger?
I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.
Why can't an orphan ever play baseball?
Because they never found home.
Why is America so good at Rubik's cubes?
They have a history of sorting colours.
The cemetery sure is overcrowded today.
I guess people are dying to get in.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A man walks into a bar and places a 12-inch man onto the counter as well as a small piano. The 12-inch man starts playing the piano really well.
The bartender asks the man where he got the 12-inch man. The man says there is a genie two blocks around the corner.
The bartender runs to the genie and makes a wish. The bartender comes back with 1 million ducks. The bartender says to the man, "That genie is dumb! I asked for 1 million bucks."
The man says, "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Why do Black people go to church so much?
Because the priest is the only father they know.
How many Indians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and wait for the British to come and do it.