My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why do people make fun of crippled people? Because they can’t stand up for themselves

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.