Girlfriend Jokes

Dump

Anonymous
·

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Marriage

Anonymous
·

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Sea

NibbaF..got69
·

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i'm stuck here holding my rod

Abuse

Anonymous
·

one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room

8

News

Tanner
·

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

Ignorance

Anonymous
·

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

2

Ex

Anonymous
·

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Number

Anonymous
·

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address and my phone number.

Marriage

Anonymous
·

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

4

Die

Person
·

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Daddy

Anonymous
·

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

House

Anonymous
·

Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says, " Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

Shotgun

Emotionless husk
·

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

7

Shout

Anonymous
·

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Football

Tanner Pomeranz
·

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Stole

Anonymous
·

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Man

dishonorable discharge sniper
·

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man do I love being a sniper.

Family Tree

Anonymous
·

I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran

Swallow

Anonymous
·

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

2

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321
·

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."