Girlfriend Jokes

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."