My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
Why are so many Americans stupid? Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny because no parents are gonna be told.
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
