My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that." Then I unplugged his life support.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."
Why are so many Americans stupid? Cause they shoot the ones that go to school
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny bc no parents are gonna be told
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso
Jk Its bleach
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
