Family Jokes

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."