Jesus Jokes

Jack

Anonymous
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Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"

Drug

Anonymous
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My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies

8

Religion

Anonymous
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

Religion

Anonymous
·

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Train

Mechanical Manic
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A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Difference

Thomas
·

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Hebrew

Moses
·

How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

3

Christian

I am Jesus
·

Man walks up to a priest. The man says "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says "No you are not my son." The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says "Jesus Christ your back!"

8

Nun

Anonymous
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What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Cross

Anonymous
·

What is Jesus's Favorite Exercise? Cross Fit

4

Little Johnny

LittleJ69
·

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus so he asks his class, “where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “how do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bang on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?”

6

Priest

Anonymous
·

How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.

Priest

The_Hagseed
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One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?", the priest asks. "Christian kittens", the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box", he says, "It's the cutest thing!" The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens", she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were "Christian kittens!!!" "They were", she says. "Now their eyes are open".

4

Christian

IAmDaemon
·

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

6

Restaurant

Anonymous
·

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

Posing

Jesus
·

Jesus created the t-pose first

Difference

Anonymous
·

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus’s birth date

4

Religion

Anonymous
·

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.

4

Nail

Anonymous
·

Jesus walks in to a motel throws 3 nails on the counter and says can you put me up for a night

9

Drug

Anonymous
·

My mom told me that drugs are my enemes..........But jesus said to love my enemies

0