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Time

Anonymous

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Priest

Anonymous

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Difference

Thomas

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Drug

Anonymous

My mom told me drugs are my enemies… but Jesus said to love your enemies

Name

Mechanical Manic

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Night

Anonymous

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Priest

Anonymous

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

Priest

I am Jesus

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ your back!”

Restaurant

Anonymous

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there’s only… 13 of you?" Jesus: “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

Difference

Anonymous

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus’s birth date

Hang

IAmDaemon

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

Posing

Jesus

Jesus created the t-pose first

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Priest

Anonymous

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

Religion

Anonymous

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.

Drug

Anonymous

My mom told me that drugs are my enemes…But jesus said to love my enemies

Night

Anonymous

Jesus walks in to a motel throws 3 nails on the counter and says can you put me up for a night

Cross

Anonymous

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise? Cross Fit

Make

Moses

How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

Man

Canadian

A man goes into heaven and there he meets jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is mother teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”. “There is Abraham Lincolns clock. He has .lied twice so it has moved twice.” “Where is Donald Trump’s?” Ask’s the man. Jesus answers “it is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan.”

Water

Anonymous

Jesus could walk on water and Chuck Norris can swim through land

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