Jagged Zonkey

What does a Foreigner say when he comes to America?

"You're as cold as I.C.E. You're willing to sacrifice brown lives..."

I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

What's the worst thing to say at a live birth?

"Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.

I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.

Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.

How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!

What's the first rule of Wank Club?

Don't shake hands with anyone else in Wank Club.

What is the epitome of being quick on the draw?

Coming both first and last in the same round of "soggy biscuit".

Isn't Barbie supposed to come with Ken?

Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.

Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?

If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?

I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.

What is the difference between a man peering through the keyhole and a woman in the bath?

One is rude and nosy; the other is nude and Rosy.

I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.

According to the Police report, what did one traffic signal say to the other?

"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light..."

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait for it to turn itself in.

Tiger Woods is a lion cheetah. He took a wife and seventeen mistresses because he just had to play all eighteen holes.

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four—one to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.

A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.

At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.

Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"

Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.

The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"

The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."

I had an operation on my knee, but it was a joint effort.