My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

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