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My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest…

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired)

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.