Puns

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."