Puns

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

There was a kidnapping at school.

Don't worry, he woke up.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.