I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

Will glass coffins be a success? – Remains to be seen.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

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