RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.