I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.