I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.