I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
