Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

What’s the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? – You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.