Puns

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

There was a kidnapping at school.

Don't worry, he woke up.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Why did the picture go to jail?

Cause it was framed!

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."