My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I know it’s cheesy, but I feel grate.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I started a band called 999 megabytes… we still haven’t gotten a gig

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

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