I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.