I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

Wanna hear a terrible Joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Why did the picture go to jail? Cause it was framed!

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high…

My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

Where did the cat go when it lost it’s tail? – To the retail store!

Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.