I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.
Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there.”
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? – Well, the flag is a big plus.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”
What do you call a nose without a body? – Nobody knows.
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world