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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave