Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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