I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.