I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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