RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

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Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

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How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”

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Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

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“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

0

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

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I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

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What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

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6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

2

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.

0

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

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I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

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I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

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