RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.