If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.