Puns

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.

There was a kidnapping at school.

Don't worry, he woke up.

Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Cause it was framed!

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.