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I started a band called 999 megabytes… we still haven’t gotten a gig

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

a mexican was doing a magic trick he said “uno, dos,” then disappeared without a trace

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

People are making end of the world jokes, like there’s no tomorrow.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. so I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”