3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.

Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere

Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican. The pilot says: “There’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.” The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “We have to many of these in our country” The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country” the white guys throws the Mexican and says: “We have to many of these in our country”

on a date me - "I get to work with animals all day" her - "How sweet! What do you do?" me - “I’m a butcher.”

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker

Hop In

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

Why does everyone at school make fun of the cripples kid. Because he can’t stand up for himself.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

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