Morbid jokes

Morbid Jokes

Wheelchair

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Fire

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Ex

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

Balance

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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  • Abuse

    I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

    Accident

    Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

    Trampoline

    Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

    Priest

    Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

    Double Standard

    I hate these double standards.

    If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

    Childhood

    My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

    Death

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

    Ex

    My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

    Gun store

    I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.