My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me "No it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather , that is until my mom took the urn away from me
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two now they're a sensitive topic.
Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried
Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
