My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
