Ups jokes

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...

Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?

"What does this button do...?"

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.

WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.