Ups jokes

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

What do Israel and Epstein have in common?

"Look at that, time to blow up some kids."

What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?

"Probably the dishes."

What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

What's so special about Palestinian sex dolls?

They blow themselves up.

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.

Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes