Ups jokes
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Why do disabled people not like comedians?
Because they do stand up.
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.
Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.
The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.
9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
Never trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
What did the math acorn say when it grew up?
"Gee-I'm-a-tree."
Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.
I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.
An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"