Ups jokes
Jesus shows up and says youβve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "Iβm sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "Iβm sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "SchieΓ den Hurensohn!"
Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.
The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.
The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
Memes
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but Iβm worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."
Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?
"Probably the dishes."
Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?
Because he can't stand up for himself.
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.
Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.
9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...