Ups Jokes

Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

Dear Gwen and Prince,

Gwen and Prince, sorry for being mean and cussing and other messed up nonsense. To be honest, I really just wanted to be your friends, all both of you! BTW Prince, Gwen is not dating Aiden...I don't even know who Aiden is! Sorry a million times, Zreina.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.