Ups jokes

What's that thing that walks on two legs, washes dishes, sucks my cock, cooks, cleans, bends over for me and never fucking shuts up?

Femoids.

When there's a news story of people who have died en masse, for example from explosions and fires.

Other people are all "oh no that's terrible!"

Pfft shut up, lying asshole. Trying to be "nice".

I'm like "YAY EXCITING. I don't like being bored hearing 'good news' all of the time."

How Bibi celebrates Valentine's Day:

“I want to nutinyahu.”

“I’d blow up a school for you.”

“Can I be your ‘chosen person?’ 👉👈”

“I wanna bibi inside yo pp.”

Everyone is so sensitive about racial issues these days.

All I did was burn a couple crosses and I'm up on federal hate crime charges.

How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just put the light bulb up their pussy and ask you to pay.

Michael J. Fox came up to me the other day and introduced himself to me. He said, "Hey, what’s shaking?"

I said, "You."

Tracy Latimer was described as cheerful, popular at school, and as an animal lover.

Just trying to gas her up a little bit.

There are so many things about Tracy Latimer's murder that I wish I knew. Did he buckle up her seatbelt? Did he put the radio on for her?

Did he tell her she was going on a little trip to Gastown?

Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.

Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.

And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.

I was bulimic but I gave it up.

It just left a bad taste in my mouth.

I walk into school, and look up praying.

"Man, would be a shame if the buildings fell from an airplane."

Nothing happened. There is no God.

I put my uncle's ashes in my Taco Bell so he could tear my ass up one more time.

What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?

One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?

Some people like Stephen Hawking jokes, but he will never be a stand-up comedian.

It's true, you know. Stephen Hawking has been up more ramps than Evel Knievel.

When Stephen Hawking's teacher asked him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

He said, "Six foot four."

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar.

Oh, is that how he ended up in a wheelchair?

1, 2, Freddy's coming for you.

3, 4, better lock your door.

5, 6, grab a crucifix.

7, 8, stay up late.

9, 10, never sleep again.

I love this song, y'all! Like if you love it too! :)

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"