Ups jokes

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Roses are red Lemons are sour Lift your skirt up and give me an hour

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”