Ups jokes

A gay man enters a bar. At the counter, he sees a skinhead sitting, which he somehow finds cute. He gathers all his courage, goes to the skinhead and whispers to him, "Do you want a blowjob?"

The skinhead punches the gay man in the face with his fist, causing him to go down. Then he drags him outside into the parking lot and kicks him again with his boots before going back inside and sitting down at the counter.

"Man," says the bartender, "but you beat him up quite a bit! What did the man even say to you that you were so freaked out?"

"I don't know," replies the skinhead, "something about a job..."

Hey bro 😭🙏 I really gotta ask: why didn't you use Tiki Phonk this time? 🗿 Honestly, Tiki Phonk would have fit the whole vibe perfectly and made the edit way more high-energy ⚡🔥 The bass, the cowbells, and the entire atmosphere would have sounded absolutely insane 🎧💥 I was really expecting that style, because it always makes the clips smoother, harder-hitting, and just way more satisfying to watch 👌💯 Don't get me wrong, the edit was still clean 🍷 but Tiki Phonk would have taken the whole thing to a completely different level 🚀 The way those distorted beats sync up with the transitions is simply unmatched 😭 Every flash, zoom, and movement would have hit ten times harder 💣 The music just gives edits a certain aura 👁️🗿 As soon as the beat drops, everything suddenly feels cinematic and dangerous 😈⚔️ Bro, your editing style fits Tiki Phonk perfectly anyway 🤝 The pacing, the transitions, the effects—everything screams for that aggressive energy 🔥 Just imagine the bass dropping at the exact moment the clips switch 💥 or the cowbells echoing during the slow-motion parts 🎶 That would have been legendary 😭🙏 People would have definitely rewatched this edit over and over because the vibe is just addictive 📈🌀 That's the thing about Tiki Phonk 🎧 It doesn't just sound cool—it transforms the entire experience 🌌 Even simple clips suddenly feel powerful and unforgettable 🗿 The atmosphere gets darker, cleaner, and way more hype ⚡ Without the sound, the edit still looks good, but *with* it? Bro... then it becomes legendary—worthy of a generation 🍷🔥 Next time, trust the vision and let Tiki Phonk carry the edit 😭🙏 Let the bass shake the screen 💣 let the transitions breathe with the beat 🎶 and let the aura take over the whole video 👁️🗿 Trust me, bro: everything will sound cleaner, hit harder, and feel way more unforgettable 💯 Capiche, boy?

A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"

The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"

The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"

The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"

The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."

The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.

As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"

Two Arabs are swapping jokes. One cracks up and yells, "Man, that joke was an absolute blast!"

Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.

One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.

"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."

I would build you a monument so that you would finally come up with clever thoughts.

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

You should never suppress a fart. It travels up the spine high into the brain. That's where the shit ideas come from.

Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.

I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.

Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.

Three girls were lined up for execution. The black-haired one, being the smart one, turned around and yelled, "Tornado!"

Everyone panicked, and she escaped. The red-headed one, following her example, shouted as the executioners got back, "Hurricane!"

The red-headed friend escaped too. Now, it was the blonde's turn. Following both her friends, she turned to the executioners and yelled:

"Fire!"

I woke up in my bed today.

I had an Alzheimer's joke, but something's fogging up my mind.

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

Roses are tree.

I shoved a battery up my butt.

Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.

At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.

Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"

Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.

The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"

The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."

Yo mama so dumb she bought a toolkit to open up a Roth IRA.

How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.

Your family is so messed up that they shared one brain cell to have you even exist.