So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
If you can't afford a blow up doll, just go down to your local AISH office.
What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."
Life's full of ups and downs :D <3
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?
Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
I "onerie," or however you spell it, I like to replace all romance or similar memes with duck memes. Just comment duck memes there and change Valentine's Day to Duck Day. Also, for the joke:
Why did the duck walk up to the lemonade stand?
Because he wanted grapes.
Why did the African child wake up suddenly? Because he was being sexually abused.
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!
