Wizard Jokes

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?

Fetus Deletus!

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

Running, JK rolling!

What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?

When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."

How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

Go through the dumbbell door.

What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with friends.

Master has given Dobby a Glock. Dobby is Thug.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Comment and join Dumbledore's army in the community to give someone you hate permanent bad luck.

I am the grand wizard, mak.

What did Gandalf say to Mario? "You shall not pass!"

What’s an orphan’s favorite movie character?

Harry Potter.

What do you call a magic owl?

HOOdini

Draco Malfoy had a wand fight in the bathroom.

If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?

What did Ron put in his diary?

I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

The bartender agrees without hesitation.

The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

"WTF!" the man shouts.

The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"