I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I hate two-faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because it's sea food.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
