I hate 2 faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.
People say that life is short I say... Life is the longest thing we ever do
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way the first lady she was obsessed with her looks so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish the next person didn't know what to wish for so they wish for the same thing the guy in the very back was laughing having a grand old time then god got to the person before the last he aaid the same he wished to be beautiful when God got to the last person he said I want them all to be ugly again.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because it's sea food.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said "i am still choosing" she looked horrified
What do gay people and mice have in common?
They both hate pussy cats!
I like my humor like my people. Well done.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father in law
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills." grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence." grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."