Protection jokes

Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

My friend was the only one who laughed.

Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?

Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!

What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he gets a hole in one!

What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

*Enter password*

"ScoobyDoo"

"Password must contain special character."

"ScoobyDooFeaturingBatman"

What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

What did Pepper say to Spray?

"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.