Protection jokes

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Why did the heterosexual man put a mask on his cock to protect himself from COVID? Silly boy.

Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms?

So gay people can play Star Wars.

What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?

UNPROTECTED SEX.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

Why is an orphan so scared of the dark?

They don't have a dad to check the closet.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

What does the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going inside."

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Seat belts are like the condom for cars.

I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.

Why is leather armor better for sneaking than steel armor?

Leather armor is made of hide.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏

The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"

"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."

"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"

"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."

"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"

"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."

"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"

A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.