Ups jokes
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.
Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.
My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.
I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
Why do orphans never wake up in the morning? Their dad can’t wake them up.
There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
How does the earth rate its sex?
Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.
If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!
Why don't orphans go home at pickup?
Because they don't have parents to pick them up.
Why did the emo swallow the alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.