Ups jokes

Why did the emo swallow the alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

I beat up a blind kid, but he says he's the strongest. He never saw that one!

How does the earth rate its sex?

Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.

If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!

Why don't orphans go home at pickup?

Because they don't have parents to pick them up.

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.

Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?

Shut up and cut the coke.

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

What happens to emo kids when they go up?

They never come down.

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.

What did the math acorn say when it grew up?

"Gee-I'm-a-tree."

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Only the apple got picked up.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"