Ups jokes

Never trust stairs, they're always up to something.

An orphan went up to Nikola Tesla and asked to travel in time. He then saw his parents put him in a building, saying, "You now live here!"

I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.

What did the math acorn say when it grew up?

"Gee-I'm-a-tree."

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

Why did the emo swallow the alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

How does the earth rate its sex?

Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.

If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!

What's the difference between an orphan and a dew?

One goes up and one goes down.

I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.

It didn't work.

I beat up a blind kid, but he says he's the strongest. He never saw that one!

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Only the apple got picked up.

I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.

WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.

What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?

"What does this button do...?"

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.