My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”