Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

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