These short jokes are shorter than 140 characters. Yo mama jokes and Chuck Norris facts are also short, but are not included here.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

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Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

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I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

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I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

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My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

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Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins… I just go to the local primary school

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Why do people make fun of crippled people? Because they can’t stand up for themselves

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

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Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

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Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store!

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What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

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My friend told me he had a sister. i asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. that wasnt my question

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How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

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