Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Bank

Anonymous

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Ex

The Special

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Abuse

PScantron

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Diarrhea

Anonymous

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Number

Anonymous

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Wife

Big Boss Tom

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

8

Born

Anonymous

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

9

Puns

Me

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Zoo

Punk

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Speed

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Bomb

(optional)

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Marriage

Anonymous

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Beat

Anderson moon

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

School

Anonymous

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Marriage

Anonymous

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Woman

Anonymous

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.