The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.