My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere