I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
