I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

what’s the difference between a feminist and suicide vest

a least one does something when it is triggered

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? – Because they are really good at it.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “F... off, you won’t bring it back.”

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

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