RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Because it’s sea food.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. – Then the librarian told me to take it out.

What rock group has four men that don’t sing? – Mount Rushmore.

Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.