My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

What do you call the people in the challenger explosion.

Ashtraynauts

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are the twin towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock knock Who’s there? Not Susie.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”