Short jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

"What do we want?" "HEARING AIDS!" "When do we want them?" "HEARING AIDS!"

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?