I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

Why are orphans bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house is.

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.