Short jokes

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.