Short Jokes

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. -- I gave him a glass of water.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body... now what”

Wives are like grenades... -- Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself...

Where the f*ck is my roof?

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."