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Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Ex

The Special

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Sister

Me

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Wife

Big Boss Tom

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Die

Anonymous

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Family

Anonymous

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Puns

Anonymous

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

School

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Dad

PScantron

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

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School

Anonymous

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Wife

Weeb

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

Fat

Anonymous

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Heart

Punk

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Bomb

(optional)

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Hearing

Anonymous

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

Girl

Anonymous

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Die

Anonymous

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

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