“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. -- I gave him a glass of water.
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body... now what”
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
Wives are like grenades... -- Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
When its been halloween for a few months but there's still a body hanging from your neighbours tree
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
I have a fear of speed bumps
But i am slowly getting over it
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.