If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?


My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why did i walk across the road?

to get hit by a car

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.