There is an upside to being an orphan… every bag of chips is family size

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.