When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i'm not gonna die the same way.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.