When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage