My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Short Jokes
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
The Toaster;
other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
Everywhere
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.