when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self raising

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones