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When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

So I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Kid: “I wish I could be like Batman!”

Genie: “Wish granted!”

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward