My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.