Girlfriend

Anonymous

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Ex

The Special

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

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Bank

Anonymous

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

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Wife

Big Boss Tom

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

7

Speed

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Abuse

PScantron

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Sister

Me

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

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Fat

Anonymous

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Old

Anonymous

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Die

Anonymous

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

8

Zoo

Punk

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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Family

Anonymous

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

3

Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Beat

Anderson moon

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Bomb

(optional)

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

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Means

Anonymous

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Wife

Anonymous

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Die

Anonymous

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”