i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject
other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.
Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
What was Steven Hawking’s last words?
The windows xp log out sound
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor