“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.