A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

You’d think it’d be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Why did the gym close down? – It just didn’t work out.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

A prisoner was told how he’ll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.