Short jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.