Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

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