Ex

The Special

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Sister

Me

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Wife

Big Boss Tom

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Die

Anonymous

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Hearing

Anonymous

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

Heart

Punk

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Fat

Anonymous

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Body

Bloodcurdling scream

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

School

Anonymous

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Die

Anonymous

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Girl

Anonymous

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Twin Towers

Anonymous

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Last Word

Anonymous

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Puns

Anonymous

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Bomb

(optional)

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Speed

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Difference

Anonymous

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

Loading...