I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.
Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from