These short jokes are shorter than 140 characters. Yo mama jokes and Chuck Norris facts are also short, but are not included here.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

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Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

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What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

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Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”

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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.

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Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls.

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What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.

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What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.

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I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

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What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

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Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

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My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

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Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw the gas bill.

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If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.

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What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

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