I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i'm not gonna die the same way.
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
