Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage