i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor