Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.
Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.
What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don’t know. He hasn’t opened it yet.
What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.