I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people but none of them work.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Once I saw a mirror… and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones