Woman Jokes

you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

Wives are like grenades... -- Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have balls.

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

How do woman make you a millionaire?

When your a billionaire.

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation the man yelled. FREE DISHWASHER!

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

What do u call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong

A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”

“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.