I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls.

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

Give her a shovel.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world? – Nothing. She’s fine.

How do you know if a black woman is pregnant. When she pulls out the tampon all of the cotton is already picked off.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

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