Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

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