Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls.

Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.

I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!

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