Health jokes
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
What’s the best way to make sure you don’t get COVID?
Suicide.
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
I hate wearing a mask in public.
Memes
What does a tornado need when it has multiple sclerosis?
A hurri-CANE.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....