Health jokes
I hate wearing a mask in public.
What does a tornado need when it has multiple sclerosis?
A hurri-CANE.
A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.
Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."
Woman: "What's the bad news?"
Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"
Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"
Dr: "It's dead!"
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
Memes
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
Why did the moderator of worstjokesever.com die?
He had a heart attack because he was a fat loser.