Health jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.

Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

How do you make epileptic kids dance?

Throw a flash bang in their room.

Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.

A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....

Why did the moderator of worstjokesever.com die?

He had a heart attack because he was a fat loser.

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."

His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"

Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.

A note for My arts/health teacher:

oh ms aziz, you've got no rizz, all she do is screams, whether u like it or not, she thinks this makes her hot, she thinks this makes her pop but it just makes me want to crack her head from the top, until she says STOP, and down on the ground she goes plop... and her screaming has finally stopped, and my plan hasn't flopped thus far.... plan B is ram her with my car, fill her shoes with tar, and the prahnas i'll set on her go RAWR... she don't know what she coming for.

Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.

How do you properly eat a vegetable?

You tip over the wheelchair.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

His last words to us were, “Be positive!”