Lifestyle jokes

Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?

Cocaine.

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?

They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.

... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise egg.

What is the coolest bath bomb for emos?

A toaster.

Like this if one of your family members is emo!

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Abortion isn't murder, it's just canceling a pre-order.

The only thing I do straight is vodka.

If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?

What do you call a man who plays Fortnite 24/7?

A: A virgin.

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.