Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad “what is a bitch and bastard.” dad say “a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail.” then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says “a shit is shaving creme like what i’m putting on my face and ass is a coat why don’t you bug your mom.” so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say f... so johnny ask his mom what f... means mom says "f... means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says “welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass” the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i f...ing the turkey.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us? Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road? Son:why? Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway

i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

Daughter: Dad

Dad: Yes honey

Daughter: Im Lesbian

Dad: Ok

Daughter 2: Dad

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: Im lesbian too

Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here

Son: I do…

You wanna know what i want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex… I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.

Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer…