I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Daughter: Dad

Dad: Yes honey

Daughter: Im Lesbian

Dad: Ok

Daughter 2: Dad

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: Im lesbian too

Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here

Son: I do…

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us? Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road? Son:why? Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway

Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer…

Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why are you doing that?

Dad: So you won’t get bored there

One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.

Teacher: You cant be here after school without a parent!

Orphan: -no response-

Teacher: Ok class I’m going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don’t worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn’t real Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk

i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.