Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us? Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road? Son:why? Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway
johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad “what is a bitch and bastard.” dad say “a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail.” then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says “a shit is shaving creme like what i’m putting on my face and ass is a coat why don’t you bug your mom.” so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say f... so johnny ask his mom what f... means mom says "f... means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says “welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass” the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i f...ing the turkey.
My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Daughter 2: Dad
Daughter 2: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do…
You wanna know what i want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.