Depression

Anonymous

Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies

Orphan

Safris

Why was the Orphans first phone a IphoneX

Because it didn’t have a home button

Wife

Scott

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Friend

Anonymous

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Poor

Trentarium

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

School

James

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Life

Anonymous

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Sound

Väcüüm Cłëæner

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

Depression

trisha.lafega

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Priest

Anonymous

3 nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.” intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun. “oh thats nothing said the second one, i found condoms in one of his drawers.” said the second one. " what did u do with them." said the first nun. pridefully the second nun responds with," i poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”

Orphan

Anonymous

Q.How does E.T have an advantage over orphans A. E.T can actually phone home

Depression

I Hate Myself :)

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

Name

Z
  1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

  2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.

  3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

Orphan

Anonymous

Q: What was the orphans first phone? A: The iPhone X because it had no home button

Roast

Anonymous

my phone battery last longer then your relasionships

Depression

Anonymous

sans:why was the skeleton depressed? because frisk keeps reseting and it resets when he lost his phone

Sister

LikeaNinja

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guys boss called to ask why he wasn’t at work. The guy responds, "I’m sick" His boss replies, "you don’t sound sick" The guy says, “I’m fucking my sister” and hangs up the phone

Name

Anonymous

Whenever I have a one night stand I always use protection

A fake name and fake phone number.

Doctor

Anonymous

“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital.”

“Aaron, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

Puns

Anonymous

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

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