Health jokes
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
What is better than winning gold at the Para Olympics?
WALKING!
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
Dam, my balls itch like hell.
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
I tried getting an abortion, but they said, "Sir, this is a pizzeria."
A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.
The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.
Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.
Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.
Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?
Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Why does cancer kill you? Because it does. 🌝
I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.