Health jokes
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
My sister is so dumb, she genuinely spent lockdown studying for a COVID test.
Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?
Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?
When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."
One day, someone's ex was going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and her ex-boyfriend was there and gave her an apple. Next minute, she had chlamydia. What did the boyfriend do?
Where do you bring a canoe that doesn’t feel good?... The boat dock.
Why doesn't Elon Musk like Taco Bell?
It gives him gas.
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
How to protect your nuts from being hit: Just get hard.
I was bulimic but I gave it up.
It just left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why do people eat bananas? Because it's appealing!
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.
Why did the rapper go to the dentist?
Because they're all about those DENTAL GRILLS!
What do you call someone with notorious special needs and an extra chromosome?
The double trouble.
So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.
I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”
What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?
Seize your moment.
Your mum's hairline was so long that you decided to get therapy.