Health jokes

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?

He saw flashing lights.

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

It ain't always easy having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.