Disease Jokes

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.

People having seizures are just people dreaming about rollercoasters.

One cow asks another cow, "Are you afraid of mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter."

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

What’s ten feet long and bald?

The conga line in the cancer ward.

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.