Health jokes

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

Wanna hear a joke about Alzheimer's? Wanna hear a joke about Alzheimer's? Wanna hear a joke about Alzheimer's?

Q. What do you call a person with Alzheimer's?

It doesn't matter. They'll forget what you said in thirty seconds anyway.

Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.

What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?

There's none, they both don't age well.

When it's NNN but you have a peanut allergy: 🥳

Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?

Seize your moment.

How do you flatten curves?

With an abortion.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.