Health jokes

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?

Seize your moment.

How do you flatten curves?

With an abortion.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

What do you call a flooded hospital?

Vegetable soup.

I'm okay with giving babies iPads, as long as the baby has anencephaly.

You can't get brain rot if you don't have a brain!

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.