Health jokes
I would've made a joke about Alzheimer's, too bad I forgot about it...
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
Why did the rapper go to the dentist?
To get his fillings checked.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Why does Trump "not" wear glasses? Because he's got 20/20 vision!
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."
His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"
Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag? One of her socks is missing!
What danger does this put them in? Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
Down syndrome and brownies.
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.
Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.