Health jokes
I hate wearing a mask in public.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
tru tho
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What does a tornado need when it has multiple sclerosis?
A hurri-CANE.
Don't let an extra chromosome keep you down!
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill.
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,
And he needed a painkiller pill.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....