Health jokes
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
Do you remember what Bruce Willis' last movies were?
Neither does he.
What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?
Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.
WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
When you're exercising and you feel the “gush.”
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Why did the condom cross the road?
Because he was pissed off.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.
Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 100 pounds of crack.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Why was the rapper always in good shape?
Because he dropped the mic and picked up weights!