Health jokes
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's...
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's.
What’s the best way to make sure you don’t get COVID?
Suicide.
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
I hate wearing a mask in public.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
What does a tornado need when it has multiple sclerosis?
A hurri-CANE.
What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?
My brother didn’t beat cancer.
I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...