Health jokes
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
Don't let an extra chromosome keep you down!
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
It works, my brother has never slept better
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill.
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,
And he needed a painkiller pill.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
Why did the moderator of worstjokesever.com die?
He had a heart attack because he was a fat loser.
One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."
His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"
Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.
A note for My arts/health teacher:
oh ms aziz, you've got no rizz, all she do is screams, whether u like it or not, she thinks this makes her hot, she thinks this makes her pop but it just makes me want to crack her head from the top, until she says STOP, and down on the ground she goes plop... and her screaming has finally stopped, and my plan hasn't flopped thus far.... plan B is ram her with my car, fill her shoes with tar, and the prahnas i'll set on her go RAWR... she don't know what she coming for.
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
When you're exercising and you feel the “gush.”
What is your snow ❄️ name? X-ray.
Therapist just mean the-rapist.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.