Health jokes
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To pick some dill.
Jack slid down the hill and hurt his leg of skill,
And he needed a painkiller pill.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
Memes
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
Why did the moderator of worstjokesever.com die?
He had a heart attack because he was a fat loser.
One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."
His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"
Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.
A note for My arts/health teacher:
oh ms aziz, you've got no rizz, all she do is screams, whether u like it or not, she thinks this makes her hot, she thinks this makes her pop but it just makes me want to crack her head from the top, until she says STOP, and down on the ground she goes plop... and her screaming has finally stopped, and my plan hasn't flopped thus far.... plan B is ram her with my car, fill her shoes with tar, and the prahnas i'll set on her go RAWR... she don't know what she coming for.
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
Therapist just mean the-rapist.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.
A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.
The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."
How do you properly eat a vegetable?
You tip over the wheelchair.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What's the best cure for aging? Suicide.
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackhead.
How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?
They egg-xercise every day!