Health jokes

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

"Peppa Pig"-like pandemics.

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.

I see a dreamer.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

Why are all fat people bad drivers?

They are all hungover.

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: “ASPERGER’S”

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."