Health jokes
How does the skeleton call his friends? With a tele-bone.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
What is an unborn baby's Olympic sport?
Dodge the coat hanger.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
"Don't have sex" - Jake.
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
Why did the tomato blush?
Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
I don't like condoms, but I like gay pregnant X.
One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
What is it that gay men can't get from having too much oral sex?
Erectile dysfunction.
Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.
A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.
Why did the old man win in a fight? Because he was stressed.
Duck my sick.