Health jokes

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: “ASPERGER’S”

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!

TDS? More like STDs.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.