Health jokes
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
Five little monkeys jumping on a bed, one fell off and bumped his head.
Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said, "I'm gay!"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.
He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
"Oh, hey guys, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
"Oh, hey guys, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
"Oh, hey, do you know I saw a guy with dementia?"
So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
My penis is on fire.
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
Q: What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?
Hospital or Currys PC World?
You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?
You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!