Health jokes
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
The doctor says, "Next, please."
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.
When a girl was having an asthma attack, Ariana said, "Just keep breathing and breathing and breathin!!!!!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.
Yo mama so gay, she almost passed away.
Gay is a mental illness.
You're not thinking straight.
I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.
This is Sally.
Sally says hi.
This is Sally when a car comes by. 🤕
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
Dark humor is like cancer, it's funnier when children get it.
A player in Baldi's Basics says, "Why are you bald?"
Baldi responds, "Well, I have cancer."
The player says, "Oh, good for you!"
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why are you so white?
Because you have no lotion on.
I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.
Why do Mexicans take Xanax?
Because they’re Hispanic attacks.