Health jokes

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Why was the director injured?

He couldn't find the right cast!

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

TDS? More like STDs.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!

Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.