Health jokes
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
Have you heard about the movie about constipation?
Me neither, it hasn't come out yet.
Why did the pirate go to the gym?
To improve his booty strength!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?
He'll have you in "Stitches"!
Youch
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Why do Fortnite players have such good teeth?
Because they like to floss.
I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.
What's the same thing between milk and a kid with cancer?
They both have an expiry date.
What do dentists play at their practice?
Dental records.
Why did the orange stop?
Because it ran out of juice. Hahhaha.
A man walks into a bar... Oww!
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
What do you call an Asian in a wheelchair? Sum Ting Wong.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.
No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.
Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...
I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.
Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.
Duck my sick.
How do you tell a child they have cancer? With a smile on your face.
Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.