Health jokes

You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.

The cure for depression is around the corner... There it is, the train.

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...

All of the bristles fell out!

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?

Why are uncles like curries?

Because bad ones hurt your asshole.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.