Health jokes
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
Keep yourself safe!
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.
I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.
Why are 10-pin bowlers always in pain?
Because their balls have holes in them.