Health jokes

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.

"Peppa Pig"-like pandemics.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?

Donuts.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

"You is so black your mama fainted."

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.

People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Nope, should've gone to Specsavers.