Health jokes

"Peppa Pig"-like pandemics.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

Who is the blindest person in the world?

He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!

When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.

Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?

Because there is a family reunion.

You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

What do you call it when you see nothing but pants? Brief psychotic disorder!

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

You're so fat that when you went outside, you broke the 2-meter rule for COVID.

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...

All of the bristles fell out!

Life's like a box of chocolates. Doesn't last long for fat people.

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?