Health jokes
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.
Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."
Why did the skeleton not go to prom?
Because he had no body to go with.
Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.
How does a train sneeze?
It goes, "A-choo choo!"
I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.
I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"
Yo mama so fat that she's social distancing from herself.
Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."
The companies that made the hand gel sanitizer must be absolutely rubbing their hands together!
What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?
Your hairline.
What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?
"Happynese" (happy knees).
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.