Health jokes
Did you hear about the deaf guy's STI?
He got hearing aids.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
Why were condoms invented? So gay guys can have sword fights.
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
Depression sucks, and so do you.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?"
Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road!"
What do you call an emo cancer kid?
Chemo.
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My father didn’t beat cancer.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
You lost 30 lbs when you joined Weight Watchers, and lost another 10 lbs when they shaved your back.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
Well, I was gonna make a joke about drunk people, but that would be good for the health.
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...