Shit Jokes

Meme Machine

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

9
Anonymous

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit

6
Tyler
in Dick

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" She asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

Bob

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."

U make me barf

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black." the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. "Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."

8
Anonymous

What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, " Yall mutherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit"

Buttcheek
in Butt

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek Together we can stop this shit

1
Anonymous

Its all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.

Jon

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

6
JB
in Grammar

Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

0
the condom guy

so two condoms walk by a gay bar, what does one condom say to the other, "hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

1

Amber Heard’s Morning Routine

Wake Up Eat Breakfast Take a Shit Get Out of Bed

Brodie

What’s wrong with a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like shit

2
Anonymous
in Country

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive,slipped,and said, "oh shit".

3
ThatWeirdPerson

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE

Uncle Jokes

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!

Bomb
in Twin Towers

Id rate the food in afghanistan a 9/11 that shit was bomb

Chris Rock

Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can't wait to see it"

So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers"

Anonymous
in Animal

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

1
Fire

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. They guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

1