Drink Jokes

Puns

Drinking
·

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

6

Depression

Anonymous
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Whats a depressed persons favorite drink Depresso expresso Jk bleach

Wife

Anonymous
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A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

4

Nun

cynthia
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

Milk

Anonymous
·

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: hey, what are you doing?

Child: oh I just milked one of your cows

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls

Child: *realizes*

Tampon

Anonymous
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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

2

Depression

Anonymous
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What's a depressed person's favorite drink? A depresso espresso.

Jk

It's cyanide.

Depression

Not so Anonymous
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What's a depressed persons favourite drink

Depresso espresso

Nah just kidding it's bleach

Stop

·

I finally stopped drinking for good

Now I purely drink for evil

Puns

Monarchia
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I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

Blonde

Anonymous
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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

5

Depression

Lauren
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If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Dark Humor

·

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso expresso

Jk Its bleach

Depression

Yeetus
·

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!

6

Depression

Yourmom
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A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low and the cliff was non existent and now you took the poison !"

Battery

·

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off

Bar

sans
·

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

8

Orphan

Not your mom
·

What’s an orphans least favourite drink

Milk because his parents never came back with it

Daughter

·

I encountered a milf at a bar last night although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opens her door

turn on the light

and she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake?”