Drink jokes

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

What do elephants drink on vacation?

Peanut coladas.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

What is a superhero’s 🦸‍♀️ favorite drink?

Fruit punch!

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

A depresso espresso.

JK.

It's cyanide.

A man walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink. I gave him a glass of ice.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

Stephen Hawking couldn't drink anything.

He'd break if he did.

What do you call a bar run by Gungans?

Jar Jar Drinks.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite drink?

His dribble.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?

Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.

Child: *realizes*

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

What do you call the worst feeling ever?

Drinking Big before Mini. :)

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

James Bond walks into a saloon where Michael J. Fox is tending bar. He says, "I’ll have a martini, shaken, not stirred."

Michael turns to him and says, "How else would I serve it?"

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.