Health jokes

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

What's the chunkiest part of vegetable soup?

The wheelchair.

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.

What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!

When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?

Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.

Man says, "What's Ligma?"

Woman says, "Ligma balls!"

Baby says nothing, she transgender.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

What do people with cancer always want to watch?

"Finding Chemo."

He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.

Technoblade can defeat every Minecraft player, but he still can't defeat cancer!

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

Yo mama so fat she can't walk for five seconds without sweating, causing a tsunami!

Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?

Because it wasn’t peeling good.

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...

Bloody seamen.

What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?

The wheelchair.