Health jokes
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
Never eat more than you can lift.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!
Memes
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?
Fat people jokes.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.
"You need to cease, all those fat cuz u obese."
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.