Lost my other account, its chri5, back for vengance.
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They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? Thats funny, I don't remember asking.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? Sadly the hardest part to eat of the vegitable is the wheelchair.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?", the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.