You jokes

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Like if you love food!

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?

Mashed potatoes.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

Your hairline goes so far back, the dinosaurs saw it before you did.

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.