Sex jokes
How do skeletons have sex?
They bone each other.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.