You jokes

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

What do you call a bee’s love?

Honey.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?

A blender.

How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?

A straw.

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.

How do you get 1 million followers?

You run through Africa with a bottle of water.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.