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My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

Its sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as- wild dogs

Q: how do you know when an asian broke into your house?

A: you can´t find your dog.

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle? – Because dogs can’t whistle.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

A man walks into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.

It was a shitzu

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn’t know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately…”

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you’d just love it.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a Shitzu.

billie: hi

me: you wanna hear a story?

billie: yes sure

me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.

Why don’t blind people skydive? – Because it scares their dogs too much!

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

It doesn’t matter he isn’t coming to you.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she

wha can you tella dog, but not your girlfriend…? come

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.