You Jokes

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”