You Jokes

Wheelchair

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Murder

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

Double Standard

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Memes

Emo

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

Suicide

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Grape

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

  • 7
  • Magazine

    What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

    Reload and keep shooting.

    Funeral

    "I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

    Robbery

    Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

    Grandpa

    I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

    Watcher

    Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

  • 7
  • Skin

    You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

  • 3
  • Depression

    What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

    If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

    Combination

    What is the worst combination of illnesses?

    Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

  • 6
  • Suicide

    A man walks into the library. ā€œHello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.ā€ The librarian replies, ā€œNo, you won’t give it back.ā€