You jokes

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”