To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.
You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
