You jokes
What do you get when you cross Freddie Mercury and Dracula?
A dead man with AIDS.
What do you get when you cross a blonde chick and a garden tool?
A dumbass hoe.
Your momma is so fat, she eats insulation and thinks it's cotton candy.
What do you call an autistic person who is a dumbass? A dumbism.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Only.
Only who?
Only you make my heart beat fast.
What do you call a lesbian vampire?
Cunt Dracula.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
What do you call a sick Asian?
A calculator with dead batteries.
"My love, I missed you."
"Aww, I missed you too."
"I did not miss *that* time!"
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."
What did Michael say to the boy in his room at sleepovers?
"You are not alone."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't toot when you put meat in it.
"Give me a cigarette," the condemned man said.
"I thought you quit," replied the guard.
"I did, but I don't think it matters anymore."
Dating a German is great because they don't play mind games; they just provide a detailed, 40-page PDF explaining exactly why you are wrong.
You think your friends get butthurt?
That's gay guys.
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
What do you call Mario?
Bros.
What do you and Quasimodo have in common?
You're both hideously ugly and hide in the dark.
You're so ugly that you made Hitler commit suicide.
You remind me of a pencil.
Why?
Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.