You jokes
What do you call a puffer fish? A fish!
What's big, black, and lights up when you touch it?
A phone.
What do you call a stupid bear?
The bear that's gonna give this an explanation, and he's dumb.
What do you call a donkey with no feet?
A horse.
What do you call bees that produce milk?
Boo-bees!
What’s the difference between Jane Doe and a train tunnel?
A train tunnel doesn’t get any wider when you rail it.
Did you hear about the midget astronaut?
He landed on Pluto.
Today I went into the library looking for books on gangstalking. The librarian leaned over the circulation desk and said, "They're right behind you."
What do you call it when human vegetables die?
Spoiled food product.
What do you get when you cross a car with a woman?
A transmission that never shifts.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a lollipop?
A cocksucker.
Wanna know why your pussy reminds me of a garbage bag?
Because you fill it, stretch it out, and let it stink for weeks.
What do you get when you add one whole and one whole?
Two holes, dummy!
What’s the difference between Jane Doe and a roller coaster?
You can ride both on Ketamine, but only one will get you on the news.
That last brain cell must've been your dad, because it left without you knowing.
My field trip at school earlier:
Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"
Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."
Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"
Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."
Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"
Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*
Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"
Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"
Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."
*Window breaks*
Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"
Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"
Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"
The end.
Did you just kill the last brain cell you have? Or are you just plain stupid?
Dogs are better relationship partners than you. Wanna know why? They're loyal, patient, love unconditionally, smart. Traits you clearly lack, you cheating ass bitch.
I'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss you. Wanna know why?
Because at least I'd feel something with the cactus than I ever could with you.
You're so ugly that you make Caitlyn Jenner cry.