My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
You Jokes
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.
Why is pounding your mom like playing video games?
Because once you start, you just can’t stop until you win!
What do you call a gay T-Rex?
A tyranno-sore-ass!
What do you call a tent for lesbians?
Finger Hut.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.
How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?
When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.
How do you stop all homophobic heterosexual white men from using all public men's restrooms at a rest area?
Make sure that all public men's restrooms at the rest area are always occupied with gay men that have long and thick big cocks, regardless of skin color.
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
How do you find a black person in the dark without a flashlight?
Tell them a joke to make them smile.
Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.
How do you play chess with a Catholic?
You put a condom on the bishop.
What do you call a white person from Africa?
Albino.
Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?
Getting your fingers stuck in there.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?
Cremation.
Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.
Mom: Well, it’s my house.
Little Johnny: Then go clean it.
Mom: Go to school!
At school:
Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.
Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.
Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!
My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.
