Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
When meeting her parents don't require you to leave the house
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No,he hasn't either.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book...it's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
"Knock knock." Orphan: "Who's there?" "Not your parents."
My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day....but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
A woman went out on a date and said “I’m thirty one with the body of a sixteen year old” the man responded “wanna show me?😏” the woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “take a look”
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
Why are women like hurricanes?
They come in nasty and wet then leave with your house and car.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Your so poor people break into your house and leave things
