Speed jokes
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?
Kermit in a car crash.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.
He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.
He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.
Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."
Your hairline went back faster than your adoption papers!
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
"I'm still leaving you!"
Wanna hear a joke about the Flash?
"Never mind, it's too fast."
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
Why does the orange 🍊 beat the other fruits 🍎 in every race?
Because it never runs out of juice.
I dated a furry once.
The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!