Baby jokes
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?
Fetus Deletus!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan?
One baby in three trashcans.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.