The 700+ Best Death Jokes

Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000" But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon"

I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.

Doctor: you don't have long to live. 10... Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months? Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death so we smoked his ashes.

"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?

Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran

🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience...

You travel to the past into the era where julius caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die? ̈

You reply with: ̈Surrounded by friends ̈

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Chuck Norris one put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone